Re-finding yourself again: it is one of the most difficult things that there is. You hear about it from artists, musicians, actors and writers. But even for people who don’t have an artistic job, the same applies too. Coming into the spotlight can often be scary and strange. You take a distance from the well-known and reliable. You move away from your expertise to go searching for something, to maybe perhaps have to start as a beginner again.
So how do you get through an exciting phase of renewal? Which emotions and processes of consciousness are part of it? And how do you know if you are on the right path?
Choosing the unknown
Finding yourself again is quite tricky. I know everything about it. In my life I have often stood at the crossroads of renewal, with all the signs pointing to the known and unknown. I am naturally an adventurous type, so I always chose the unknown. I have often put a line under my career, the last time was 15 years ago as a graphic designer. I wanted more pleasure in my work. I did not find that in advertising, so I went off searching.
I did my search alone, in secret. I landed on a spiritual path and come into contact with meditation. It was in 2003 that I visited a special group meditation, and everything began to change in my life. In actual fact it did not mean a lot, that sitting still and singing mantras to come into higher spheres. I did not like it much. Until I found out that something was happening to me – not during the meditation itself – but afterwards. I began to see images, geometrical ones in all sorts of colors. I began to hear a voice from a guide. My soul seemed to have been awakened.
I did not share the images that I made on my computer with anyone. I did not dare, what would my colleagues and friends think of me? The first steps were really scary. I have had a lot of moments of rejection and thought along the way: what on earth am I doing this for? But the inspiration is huge, and I still have that. Each new code awakens the magic in me once more.
Each new code awakens the magic in me once more.
The journey itself is the transformation
The difficulty in inner transformation is not that you try something new. People are not afraid of discovering something. Give an average person the chance for a day to work or live somewhere else and they do that straightaway. Curiosity is in our nature. What makes it difficult is taking the turning to the unknown, knowing that you do not know if you will come back to the same crossroads. It is not as if you are taking a ‘test drive’. The journey itself is the transformation (not the destination).
People are afraid for these reasons of having to leave something behind. A piece of yourself, which is part of their identity to which they have become so attached to. Change is a natural process, which can only take place if something old is re-written. We all know that. And even so we all want to keep hold of the old, because it shows us who we are.
For the past two years I was in this process. After nearly 15 years of inspiring and standing in front of large and small groups, I wanted to do something else. It was not that I did not want to do it anymore, but I wanted to be more challenged. It was time to re-find myself once again. The first step was to connect myself with other worlds: in my case with the entertainment branch. I have had many lunch meetings and spoken to people on this subject, who all gave me advice how I should outline my new path. I became involved with a group of enthusiastic club/party organizers who took me into their confidence and before I knew it, we had a deal in writing. The adventure could begin. I found it exciting but at the same time there was doubt, but the enthusiasm overruled.
What quickly followed after enthusiasm was something that I would call the slumber mode. You are here, but everything you are doing is on hold. Inside all sorts of processes are taking place, which you are thinking about. You are continually busy with absorbing impressions, summarizing discussions and ideas. You take everything on board, but because you are on different ground you have not found a way to react to things immediately. You actually don’t know how you want to react, because you don’t have an image of who you are in your new form. How do you behave? How do you talk and discuss? What do you connect to? And what do you distance yourself from?
The slumber mode can take a long time. The tiresome thing is that no one can get you out, because this is an inner process. It is looking for your turning, your direction, your form. There are always people who keep talking at you and telling you how you should move on, but that is not what you need. What you need is rest, moments of reflection so that you can create a summary. You have to step out of patterns that the ‘old you’ created. And if that doesn’t happen you get stuck between two worlds. You cannot move in this position. You waste your time and that feeling is really frustrating!
From solo to synergy
Happily, things come to an end: the grand finale of the film in which you are playing the leading role. You know that you are coming to the end when you say to yourself: ‘I give up’ or ‘they can get on with it themselves’. The frustration pushes you into action, in which you step out of your passive role. You need this to break out of your comfort zone. This happened to me at the same time as I felt the latest code arriving: Rebooting It held a mirror up to me: I had to re-write a part of myself to be able to journey on to the next station.
I had to reboot a part of myself to be able to journey on to the next station.
The funny part of this story is that the transformation that you have made so big in your mind, is in fact quite subtle. You are not a different person all of a sudden, even though you may perhaps prefer to believe that. What has changed is only a small percentage. You grow to the next level of creation. You grow towards new challenges. This does not only apply to work. It can also begin when you get married, move to a new house, emigrate, fall in love, become ill or are dismissed from work, bring a child into the world or losing someone. It is finding yourself once more in an unknown situation, in which you keep asking yourself: Who am I?
Who I am is still the graphic designer. Only the words changed at a certain moment into ‘spiritual artist’. What I left behind me, is a part of me that was commercially driven – in advertising you have to score. I went looking for depth and passion, and all the rest (creativity, trend sensitivity, free spirit) I took with me and have attached it to a new character that is called ‘Janosh. And after growing for 15 yards with the past two years as ‘transformation years’ even something more has been rebooted in me: doing it by myself. There was space made for synergy, which means raising and challenging one another. It means also being able to let go of the result, because synergy is not based on result, it happens by itself when you let go of the result.
Finally, I want to thank everyone who played a part in the process in which I was, for those who supported me as well as those who hurt me. It was all part of this. This website – which went online recently – is the beginning, for me, of a new time in which I hope to be able to touch and inspire, not in a completely new way, but of course just that…
…from heart to heart.